33 Weeks

photo 2-2There were many times though out my pregnancy I didn’t think I would get to 33 weeks. And then for a while I believed I would give birth after my due date and I started devising plans to avoid from that happening. Now I’m back to waiting for the shoe to finally drop and have this baby pre-term. And here I am, hanging on for deal life – 33 weeks pregnant! I haven’t gone this far in my pregnancies before. Every time I hit a Friday and count another week down, I become nervous about whether or not I will make it to the following Friday. Next week I’ll be 34 weeks pregnant and two days shy of my baby shower! If I make it through the week to come and to the end of my baby shower, I’m going to be floored! Ending up in that hospital with a positive fFn test threw me in the mind set that I’ll be extraordinarily lucky if I make it to 37 weeks, let alone to my due date. If I’m still pregnant whilst opening up Christmas presents, I think I’ll have to pinch myself to make sure I’m actually awake! This week has really been uneventful. I’m battling with constipation badly which adds to my overall discomforts, stomach aches and leads to more paranoia of ‘omg is that me going into labor or do I just really have to poop?’. I’m taking Colace, Metemucil, Magnesium…and still, not helping. I won’t go into details with how I actually pass stool…because it’s awful and I never want to ever have to do it again…Heh. Anyhow, I’ve decided to drink water as if it’s drying up (like I did in the hospital) in hopes that will solve some of this issue. I drank like a fish while in hospital and I wasn’t constipated at all. I’m sure some of that has to do with my diet and stress levels too but the water may be the ticket! I drink lots but maybe not enough. Enough would be getting up every 15 minutes to pee! So, lets see how that works out… I’m achy…all the time. Mostly by late afternoon/evening and night. My stomach feels like its 20lbs or more, my back aches all over, my stomach aches, my pelvis hurts. Man, really I never thought it would be this uncomfortable! My doctors suggest its this bad because it’s my second pregnancy. I bought a belly belt and it arrived yesterday so I’m hoping this will help me feel a bit more comfortable. Least when I’m standing and walking!

photoI have these super sexy leggings I must wear on bed rest. They are called T.E.D. stockings. It is to prevent blood clots. They aren’t too uncomfortable to wear. I don’t sleep in them as I like to have a break and not feel them on my legs for at least some portion of my day but I have to wear them from when I wake until I go to bed. I’ll spend the next week finishing up my shower decor, laying around, watching movies I never got around to. I’ve got some baby sewing projects I should figure out if I can work on while being on rest. If not, I’ll have to hold onto the fabric until I can. I should finish knitting the baby sweater I’ve been working on for a while and the Racoon Amugurami I’ve been working on. I finished the fox so I’m glad I finished one thing! If I get around to finishing the Racoon, I have a beaver to do last. While I have all these crafty things I can be doing, I can say that I’m finally getting bored and feeling cabin fever! I wish to be outside more than anything and amongst other people (never thought Id want that so much!). So here is to making it to week 34 and hopes I’ll keep baby baking 4 more! xo

32 Weeks!

I am in total disbelief that I left the hospital at all…and even more so that I left with baby boy still in my womb. I was convinced given all of our “luck” that I was going to have this baby while I was admitted. I feel so lucky to be here, at home, on my sofa being able to say I’m 32 weeks pregnant. My ultimate goal is 37 weeks and once I get to 37 weeks I’m going to be VERY happy. Overjoyed really. I think once that time comes, I’ll be able to finally take a deep breath of air, and let it all go.

It’s been nearly 3 weeks since my positive fFn test so I hope that is a clear indication that my positive was a false positive. And given I don’t have any signs of going into labor any time soon, could this mean I might actually make it to term? Mentally, emotionally I feel like I have to get past 32 weeks. 32 weeks and 2 days is when I gave birth to my baby girl. And while she was born healthy and happy and should have come home three weeks later, other forces beyond our control took her life. And while being anything less than 37 weeks doesn’t make me feel better about our outcome, I just feel that getting further away from 32 weeks would lessen my anxieties little by little.

Bed rest has certainly lost its appeal. Not that I think it ever had one. But watching TV all day just sucks. And there’s not too much else I can really do. It’s either chat with friends online or watch TV. I don’t have enough focus to read any books right now but maybe eventually I’ll actually finish my book that I started at the beginning of this summer?? I have crafts I can do – lots of baby crafts. And my shower decor. But what’s been stopping me is that I’m a little bit afraid that if I get all this shower stuff ready, i won’t make it to my shower. If I work on all this baby stuff, what if there’s no baby for me to use it on? It’s a lot of morbid types of fears but how could I not be afraid after loosing our baby girl? My shower is in two weekends so I certainly will have to finish that up. I feel like I need another week or so to pass in order to get into it. I don’t have much left to do so I think waiting will be OK.

I had my follow up OB appointment this past Wednesday. Ultrasound & OB appointment.
Ultrasound showed everything’s looking perfect. What I concerned was leaking fluid (but knew it was more likely pee or the increase of discharge) my OB said my fluid levels are 100% so I am not leaking fluids. Well, OK I guess I’ll have to trust her? It’s a difficult one for me. So, nothing seemed amiss. The horrible pelvic discomfort and pain is apparently a common complaint. I told her it felt like a bowling ball sitting on my pelvis and like baby’s going to just fall out! She says this is what a lot of women describe it as and its stretching muscles under the belly. Just par for the course. She did say however, any time some thing worries me to go to Triage. Well I joked with her that it could literally be every day at the rate my paranoia is going at! I’ll be seeing my new OB every week as per my request. But I realize given u/s is only every other week, a weekly visit may be an overkill. We’ll see what the appointment next week will be about. I may really not need the appointments unless here’s an u/s along with it.
Baby boy is 3lb, 10 ounces! Can’t wait for him to get to 4lbs & more! I want him to be least 5lbs before he is born. I just have to will and coax baby boy to STAY INSIDE!

I tried working on a photo for 32 weeks but my outfit made it hard to see my belly. I’ll try again later & update once I have a photo. I think growth wise, things have slowed down a bit. I also lost a LOT of weight being in the hospital and having lost my appetite. I was as much as 163lbs and I am currently 153lbs. That’s a 13lb increase since before I was pregnant. Baby boy is still growing and my OB says what he needs, he will take. I’ll have to work on increasing my calorie intake which should be easier now that I’m home.

Ok talk to you ladies soon! Hopefully I’ll be keeping my blog uneventful.







Week 31…Happy Halloween!

Friday, October 31st marks my 31st week! Happy Halloween! And it was the day I came home from the hospital. I thought I was going to miss out on this day but instead I was lucky to be home with my family!

This week, Baby is around 3.5lbs
He is nearly the length at which he will be when he’s full term
He has noticeable wake/sleep patterns. We’ve already clearly defined that he’s a night owl and
morning’s aren’t his thing! (good, or bad??)

This week I have a lot of ligament aches & pains
My belly feels really heavy
I have hemorrhoids (yuck…and ouch!)
I’ve developed a yellowy-mucusy discharge that’s par for the course

Officially on home bed rest until 37 weeks…here’s to holding on tight until then!

photo IMG_436546669

Home, Sweet Home

I missed blogging Thursday & Yesterday which were important days with important tests that would determine if I was staying in hospital or finally coming home. But I felt like if I said too much, I would jinx myself and not make it home. My luck hasn’t ever been stellar. Statistically, I always fall on the side of shit-end-of-the-stick. If it could end badly, it will. So, I kept mum. End result is, I’m home!

Thursday morning I had an ultrasound of the baby and the technician said everything looked great. As I’ve been told numerous times, he wasn’t going to measure my cervix. The one thing I’ve been most curious about! For me, it would be a peace of mind knowing that my cervix isn’t dilated and effacing but alas, they wouldn’t do it. Doctor on staff yesterday & my OB both said they weren’t going to check my cervix manually either. They didn’t see the need for it based on how well the baby was doing on monitor and given last week my cervix was both closed & 3cm long. My OB said while in most cases examining the cervix wouldn’t bring on labor she just said to err on the side of caution, she wouldn’t be checking it. Many people would see this as a positive thing but, with out seeing the proof it leaves me feeling unsettled. Perhaps if I didn’t go into labor with my daughter at 32 weeks I would be less anxious and I would have more trust in my health care team. But because I had a baby prematurely and she didn’t survive, I questions everyone and everything thing they say.

Thursday was fairly uneventful. I was achy all day but my new physical ‘norm’ is to be achy. My left side up is achy for periods of the day that last a long time. I have very mild cramps that go away with movement that is under my belly area which doctors tell me it sounds like ligaments. As is the ache that goes up my entire left side of my belly starting at my pelvis. So of course, these sensations some times play with my mind into thinking I have uterine cramps. But most of the day was going very well and I was feeling extremely hopeful that I would be going home Friday. Around 3pm that day I had horrible stomach ache that started from the top and just radiated all over my belly. And I thought ‘shit, this is it….’. After laying down for half hour or so, it completely disappeared. Seemed to me in the end that it was likely food that unsettled my stomach. None the less, it had me quite concerned all night.

Friday was a better day. I was feeling pretty good and hoping I’d get the green light to go home. My team of doctors and my OB came by in the morning and they all agreed that given everything and how I’ve been doing over the course of my 10 day stay, they felt I could go home.
It’s what I’ve wanted the whole time I was there. At the same time, I was nervous as all hell. I can say that while I feel better being in my home environment, I am still paranoid as all heck. I analyze every BH contraction I have, every ache I feel, check my underwear and toilet paper every time I use the bathroom. I’m just on the edge of my seat wondering if I’ll make it to the next day. I think it’s going to be a really long period of waiting. I’ll have a lot of time on my hands on bed rest to think too much.

I feel like some amount of time has to pass from the hospital visit and I have to pass the 32 week mark and I will hopefully feel a little less worried, a little less paranoid every day. This Friday coming up will mark 32 weeks. I desperately hope I’ll make it there. While I want to make it past 32 weeks, I really want to make it to term. I want this pregnancy to be different. I want to bring my baby home with me after 24 hours stay in hospital. I never want to get acquainted with the NICU at Sunnybrook. I just want things to go as they’re supposed to!

I’m always scared and I keep talking about my fears. Perhaps I need to? I find it cathartic to be able to write exactly how I feel and think on here. I hope I don’t tire all of my readers out but right now, this is what’s going on in my life and so that’s what I have to talk about.

I want to thank every one of you who’ve sent me encouraging words and have kept me in their thoughts. It really means the world to have supportive people in my life. xo

Day 10; Movin’ On Up!

I got the announcement early yesterday morning that I was once again gaining a roommate. Ugh. I thought to myself how I couldn’t go through that drama again. I asked my night nurse if there were any Private Rooms available and she said there were 3. 3?????….. I was on the waiting list, what happened?! I told her how anxious having the last girl bunking with me was and how I couldn’t go through it again and made a decision to make the move. Pay the additional $55/night and if I end up staying past this week I could have the option of moving back to a semi-private room. I felt good about my move, I wasn’t feeling so anxious and for the first time since I arrive, slept almost 7 hours! My OB visited me this morning to see how I was doing and she told me that she didn’t realize all that was happening in the other room and has prescribed the private room to me so, it’s of no cost to me. How I love living in Canada! And my Doctor! So now I know, if I need to stay past this Friday, at least I don’t have the added stress of having to room with someone again.

Yesterday, late afternoon my OB came to visit with me and she said our game plan for the week would be to monitor how I’m feeling through to Friday, have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow to see how cervix, baby and everything else is looking and based on the results and how I’m feeling, I might be going home Friday! I don’t want to put too much emphasis that I’m going home this week just in case my cramps come back or my ultrasound shows some thing bad so I’m just going to hang in there, hold onto some hope and keep reminding myself I’m in good hands here and if I have to stay, so be it.

Being on bed rest has been difficult. Up until today I could tell you that I wasn’t bored out of my mind and counting down the hours. But today, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been watching endless episodes of Gilmore Girls, keeping in touch with friends and family but the time has been creeping by so slowly.
My body is aching and stiff from sitting and laying in bed. I do have some privileges to walk and get around a little but I’m afraid of doing too much of it. It’s funny how after so many days of being confined to your room, that it becomes your safety net and as much as you get sick of watching the same walls day in and day out, it’s the one place you feel safest. I do make myself walk up and down the halls a few times however just to loosen my body up and get blood flow moving. I went down to the lobby today for some snacks and unlike my first attempt, I didn’t start to have an anxiety attack!
I’ve developed Hemorrhoids…yup. I blame it on sitting & laying on my ass all day. I do try to lay on my sides as much as possible but it’s inevitable.
My entire left side is incredible achy. I have to remind myself to get up every so often and do some stretching.
I don’t envy anyone who has to be on bed rest for an extended period of time but I respect reasons they have to be done. And I’ll do what I have to for this little boy to stay in place for at least another 6 weeks. You hear me, little one??? Stay inside!!!

I’ll be sure to update some point tomorrow after my ultrasound. I’m very nervous for it. I’m expecting the worst, as one would in my situation. I’m crossing every thing I have that I have NO signs of any pre-term labor. Please oh please….



Hospital Update, 9 Days & counting…

Since my last post on Friday, I gained a roommate. She came in Friday evening, 23 weeks pregnant with a ruptured sac. She is young and terrified of having her baby so soon. The anxieties translated almost immediately over from her, to me. Her condition and fears brought me back to when I was in hospital with my daughter. My fears & anxieties multiplied sharing a room with her and it got to a point of almost unbearable. I was able to tune her out as much as I could by putting on my headphones to drown her out but all the while knowing that at some point, she would have that baby.

After a day, I got used to having her here and it was nice to not feel alone in this room all day & night. She turned into a roommate that wasn’t very considerate about her noise levels throughout the night so I quickly resented her being here. I had some of the worst nights sleep since she arrived. Letting the bathroom door slam shut, drawing her curtains back & forth….adjusting & readjusting her bed, every hour on the hour. On her second night, I slept from 3am & 5pm. Partially because she was up the whole night & another partial because I was scared for myself. I go to sleep most nights worried that if I’m sleeping, I’ll miss some very important cues that I’m going in labor, and afraid of what each morning is going to bring. When you live in fear every day that this may be the day you go in labor, each of those days feel like they’re 48 hours. I’ve had some good days where I felt very well & my mood was on an upswing. And I’ve had some days that I spent from morning to night in constant anxiety. And what I realize is, this is how I’m going to live & feel like until this baby is born.

Sunday, my stomach was very upset all day. After I went pee in the morning and wiped, I noticed EWCM and yellow discharge that made me panic. I experienced more braxton hicks than I was used to and I started to panic so I asked to be placed on the monitor. I was told that I haven’t anything to worry about. Two doctors and two nurses later told me that the discharge I’m experiencing is normal and not to worry. But, how could I not worry? That was a big change and I wasn’t ready for it. Now, every single time I use the washroom I’m checking for discharge, making sure its not green, brown or red. And every time I get up from my bed, I’m checking to see if there’s a possibility that I could be leaking amniotic fluids. I am worried my cervix is dilating & effacing. Everyone tells me as long as I’m not having contractions or cramps that are close together with stabbing pains, my cervix isn’t dilating. They try to reinforce that as of last Wednesday my cervix was 3cm and closed but I am just not convinced. I don’t feel like I fully trust anyone and I don’t trust my body either.

So now we get back to today; day 1 off Adalat. This week will be the ‘test’ to see if I will be discharged for home. I’m very nervous. I am ever so doubtful I’ll be discharged before this baby’s born and I just cannot shake that. I want nothing more in this world than to feel better, for my body to feel just like before, my cervix to be happy and to bring baby to term. Nothing I can do but take things one day at a time and keep some faith alive that I’m not going to have this baby early.

My posts are riddled with fear & anxieties but that’s the only thing I feel right now. I met some women here yesterday in the patient lounge and they seemed so incredibly care free & trusting of this hospital. I don’t know how they do. I envy them. Maybe one day I’ll be just like them too.


30 Weeks

Hitting week 30 feels like an incredibly important milestone, along with every single week which passes going forward that my baby boy stays in my womb. This week’s been incredibly crazy, fraught with worry and anxiety. I am trying so hard to remain positive but at the best of times, that’s a challenge. I feel in my heart of hearts that I’ll be here until this baby’s born. I feel that I will be lucky if I do make it to term, yet remain ever so hopeful I make it to an appropriate gestation which means less complications, less worry, less time here at the hospital. I am doing everything that’s possible and allowed to remain pregnant.

While it’s been very difficult for me to be stuck at the hospital away from my home and my family, I will stay here as long as possible if that means I keep this baby in for a very long time. I would love nothing more than my doctor to say that ever thing looks great and I can rest at home so I keep holding onto that hope. But I am mostly interested in doing what’s best for this little one.

Today’s been proven better than any day I’ve been here so far. I’ve felt more like myself physically than I have since I arrived except that it appears that I’m sleep deprived.  I am anxious every night before I go to sleep, I wake up numerous times anxiously surveying my body for symptoms, there are difficulties on its own sleeping in a hospital bed and room to also contend with. My hopes is one of these nights I will be so tired that I just crash out all night. At least, one could hope!

I may have had some very mild cramps this morning given I missed my morning dose of Adalat. I rang my nurse around 8am to ask about my 6am dose and she informed me that it was not on the work orders but that she was going to find out about it. Not long after, my OB came by to see how I was doing and I mentioned it to her. She promptly ordered the meds & I received the next dose at 10am. Since then, I am fairly certain I haven’t felt any menstrual like cramps & I’ve had only a handful of Braxton Hicks today. Our game plan for right now is to get me through this weekend. On Monday, we will re-evaluate things and see how I have been doing. If things are going well by Monday and I’ve remained symptom free over the weekend we are going to start reducing the Adalat dosage from twice a day to once a day to none. My doctor is curious to see if my cramps have subsided because I’m on the Adalat or is my uterus just naturally happy again. If I start to experience cramps again, we’ll go back to the full dosage and I will not be going home. I keep holding onto hope that I will indeed go home at some point however, these things just never work in my favor. I’ve struggled so much to get here with this baby and endured so much in the process of it. Nothing is every simple with me.

I finally decided to venture on down to the lobby for a real coffee (hoping it would ease the fog) and a muffin for tomorrow morning’s breakfast. Breakfast here has been an absolute farce given my Diary & Egg intolerance. I’ll be speaking with someone and hopefully rectifying it tomorrow but for now, I’m not being provided with a nutritious breakfast. It’s quite appalling. Have I mentioned I miss being home and being able to eat my own foods? Real food. If not, I’m saying this now. Anyhow, I was surprised at how nervous I was to leave my room. I’ve been confined to this room my entire stay and it’s been my ‘safe’ zone. But I was desperate for a real cup of coffee and to pick up a breakfast item I could eat tomorrow should I be served dry cereal, coffee & juice for breakfast again. My head felt swimmy, my palms clammy, my heart rate increased, my breathing heavy. I was experiencing anxiety. I think I need to take little ventures away from my room even if it’s just up and down the halls so I don’t feel too cocooned in my room.

So it’s clear I’m still having emotional issues with all of this. And as the days progress those anxieties seem to be increasing. In the back of my mind I have this two week window that the ffn test predicts I might go into labor so the closer we get to the end of those two weeks, the more nervous I’m getting. My doctor says for now she would like to go off my symptoms rather than have any reliance on the positive test. She may decide next week to retest but this time have me skip a progesterone dose so that there is no interference with the results. So for now, I continue to wait & see….wait and see….holding my breath, hoping for the best.


Status Quo

The good news is that I am not in labor. The bad news is, I’m still confined to the hospital bed.

I was really hopeful and optimistic that last night I would be going home with my husband but, things didn’t pan out the way I had hoped. The cramps that I had developed Monday night hasn’t gone away completely and because of that, my OB will not discharge me. She says I need to be symptom free and no signs of active labor for her to feel comfortable about me going home. And while that is so difficult at the best of times, I completely agree. I am in the best place I could be right now to help keep this baby baking.

Yesterday was an extremely emotional day. It’s the first time through out this that I finally just broke down in tears. For all the fears I have if he is born too soon and for having to be here, in this hospital another day. Being home means things are OK. And being here means, we’re still unsure of things.

I started off yesterday morning feeling much better than I did the day & night before. My cramps had subsided considerably and I was starting to become optimistic that things could only go uphill from there. But as the day progressed on, my cramps worsened and my fears grew. I thought I would have another ultrasound to see if there were any changes with my cervix but I was told by the resident doctor that they weren’t planning on another ultrasound and the only cervical checks that can be made at this point would be manual. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with another manual exam given how things progressed Monday night and she reassured me that they would just check the outside of the cervix which was gentle and how it was part of their protocol in order to discharge me. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with it and wanted to speak with my OB.

As the afternoon wore on, no signs of my OB and my cramps worsening I told my nurse that I was getting concerned and to find out if my OB was still going to come see me. She phoned down to her office to leave a message that I’d like to see her and in the mean time if I wanted, the resident doctor could take a feel of my cervix. I politely DECLINED and waited for my OB.

Dr. H promptly showed up at my door after her clinic closed and we went through protocols.  We talked about checking my cervix and after a lot of back & forth, I allowed her to do a very gentle exam and she said there’s no changes in the length of my cervix. I cannot tell you how much better I felt hearing that. I asked her what would be done in the event that labor progresses in order to stop contractions and hold this baby in. Turns out there’s not a heck of a lot that can be done. I broke down in tears and told her I already lost one baby and just couldn’t go through that again. She quickly went through a list of options we could try and she came up with one method that’s been proven to stop contractions, relax the uterine muscles and it was  Blood Pressure medication. She said the way that BP medication works is that it opens up the blood vessels and allows blood to flow freely and one of the side effects of the drug is that it relaxes muscles. I agreed to give it a try since at this point, I’m willing to do anything that means this baby stays INSIDE! She agreed to give the drug a try for 24 hours and see how I react to it. One of the downfalls is that my blood pressure could drop which would mean I have to stop the drug. Luckily for me, my blood pressure has remained normal, I’ve had no side effects of it and she’s agreed as of this morning to keep me on it for the time being and just wait & see what happens. So far I can say that my Braxton Hicks has decreased exponentially and my cramps as of today have improved considerably. While this makes me very happy, I am also hopeful that the easing of my cramps aren’t just from the drugs. I would like to be able to believe that my cramps will eventually stop which means I can go home & take it easy, bringing this baby home when it’s the safest time to have him. But for now, the only thing I can do is take it day by day willing this baby to hold on a lot longer.

The fFn test has me on edge. While I understand that false positives are very, very common I don’t do very well with statistics. They usually kick me in the ass, very hard. Days after the test, I still don’t have signs that I’m going into labor which is a good thing – but I need to get past the two week mark and beyond to see if it really was just a false positive result. This makes me very nervous and feeling overly cautious about every movement I make. I hope every morning that I wake up, my waters are still in tact, my cervix still happy, my cramps have gone away and that going home is in my near future. I’m holding onto hope that this will be a distant memory and better things are ahead of me.

For now I know, I’m going to be here in this hospital room under the best care I could ask for. And I’ll stay here for as long as I have to in order to make sure his baby keeps on baking until at least 37 weeks! I’ll be grateful if I can make it that far but I’m just hoping to make it as far as I’m able to. I’m missing my home, my bed, my dog, my husband….my life before this past Monday. It’s difficult to be here emotionally and also having to abandon everything in my life. But I’m doing it for this very special cargo that I struggled to have for such an long time. Hang in there, Baby…please xo


When the unexpected happens…

I feel like with this whole pregnancy, I’ve been walking on a very thin line. I am high risk so I’ve had a tonne more ultrasound and doctor appointments than someone who isn’t. My husband and I have at times wondered how good it actually is to be this observant of everything going on. A slight change in my cervical measurement, albeit still acceptable, and our hearts leap out of our throats!

Yesterday started out as a typical Monday. Dreadful wake up to the alarm clock that was set an hour earlier than normal so DH could be at work for 8am. Had my morning cup of coffee at my desk and a look through my emails, a typical start to my morning. Around 11:30am, I went to grab some lunch and when I sat back down at my desk I started to notice how frequent my Braxton Hicks contractions were and how uncomfortable they were getting. The cramps were uncomfortable and pain was resonating to my lower back. I get BH Contractions every day but it’s never been like this. So I started to worry, could this be a start of early labor? While many signs pointed to unlikely, I didn’t want to take a chance at self-diagnosing myself and stewing in worry until Wednesday morning when I saw my OB again. So, for the first time this pregnancy (and quite proud) off I went to Triage, paranoid high-risk pregnant lady.

As it turns out, it was a good thing I went in. I’ll begin to explain why.
Firstly, everything during my exam looked good. I had a resident doctor working on me (which I found a bit unnerving) but he seemed confident that everything looked normal. The first step was to take my vitals and baby’s and also to hook me up to see if I was having contractions. Everything looked good and yes contractions showed up but it’s just my BH which everyone keeps saying is normal and nothing to worry about. The next step was to take a swab of my cevix for whats called fFN testing (Fetal fibronectin test) which indicates if there is a possibility of going in labor in the following two weeks. That test came back positive. My heart sank so deep. My stomach churned. I didn’t understand what this meant entirely but I was really believing I was just waiting for the test results to come back negative so I could pick up my husband at work and head home. But this was not the case. I was put back on monitors because they couldn’t get a good reading the first time and got ready for another cervical check by an OB this time and an assessment if I was going to be admitted to the hospital. Every horrible thought from my first pregnancy when I got admitted to hospital came gushing back. I can’t have this baby yet, I can’t loose this baby, and so the thoughts went on. The OB on Triage staff came in to ask me about what’s been going on, explain to him the history of my first PPROM and then to do the internal exam again. This time, he said I was 1cm dilated. What?!?! I was in total disbelief. I kept saying to him how I can’t understand the discrepancy between my first exam two hours prior to now. And to how my appointment with my OB last Wednesday was very good and how she had no concerns of me going into early labor! He had not much of an explanation except that he alluded that there would be a discrepancy between practitioners and especially with an intern. Well, that’s wonderful!

Back to the positive fFn result. The issue with this test, and where I’m holding onto hope, is that when it’s negative, it’s a true negative. There are no signs of me going into labor in the next two weeks. But when it’s positive, it’s inconclusive. Meaning, there’s only a 50% chance of anything happening. There are so many false positives so it’s unknown whether or not I fall on the false or the positive. After doing some googling last night, there seems to an influx of women who were diagnosed positive and went on to having a full term baby. Or very close to full term in the least. So, because of this I was admitted last night and I am currently on observation for 48 hours. For precautionary measures, I had my first of two steroid shots to develop and protect the baby’s lungs. My next one should be tonight. If there are no further signs of labor progressing by tomorrow night, I get to go home. This is my ultimate goal!

I was very anxious for today’s cervical measurements and I was amendment to refuse another manual check. I had horrible cramps all night long from what I’m sure were the two cervical checks I endured last night. Sleep was horrible for both the reasons of feeling stressed about my current situation but also because the cramps kept waking me up. I asked the nurse for some Tylenol today to ease the pain and thankfully I’m much more comfortable. I’m having my usual bouts of BH this morning albeit it didn’t start for a while after I woke up and it’s with out any discomforts. Anyway back to this morning, a technician surprised me this morning around 8am that I would be going for my ultrasound check. My heart was beating so hard in my chest, imagining the worst. But worse it wasn’t, infact it was better than I thought! She asked me why they were concerned about my cervix so I explained everything that happened in Triage and with a confused look she said expressed her confusion because everything looked good. My cervix was near 3 cm (same as last Wednesday’s OB appointment), closed, not funneling (so it wasn’t starting to open). She said that the manual exams are not accurate enough. And I told her that I felt extremely conflicted with the differing stories – now I’m believing that the intern is more experienced than the actual OB with 15 years experience! I can’t imagine my cervix dilated 1cm & then by this morning, closed up, happy as a clam?! Anyway, for now I am relieved and just have to bide my time to see if the fFn test was a false positive or not. That’s going to drive me crazy, I’m sure of.

And while writing this, my regular High-Risk OB came by to see me – yay! – and she’s happy to see things are better today, that my cervix is still happy. Because of the fFn test coming back positive, she’s more likely to have me stay for a few days in hospital to be monitored. Most definitely if I’m sill experiencing cramps or painful contractions. She did answer my question that it’s possible because I’m on Progesterone suppositories, it could alter my results of the test. But for now, being high risk they’re not taking any chances. If by tomorrow I’ve had no painful contractions, no cramps, nothing has changed, I have a good chance of going home & being on rest, making sure I return if any of my symptoms come back. It seems most of what’s going on right now is precautionary than anything. My cramps have been coming on and off in the last little while which has me a little bummed. I really want to see it gone entirely and back to “normal” but I will just hang in there and hope by tomorrow things will be even better for me & baby!

Aaaaand that is all for now. Whew…just gotta hope that I can keep things less interesting in the near future.


29 Weeks!

Not much to update from my last posting. I must say, I am really feeling huge now! I have a hard time moving around, hard time getting up from laying down/sitting. My constipation is back with a vengeance this week. I have developed this strange radiating ache that goes up my left side…it could be constipation related. Reduced activity has been really difficult for me. I do the majority of all the house work and cooking so this had me very worried. I can’t stand a messy or dirty house. My husband however surprised me this weekend & really took over the house chores which was a nice change. The challenge will be when I’m on leave, to not do too much. I will be bored…and boredom always leads to cleaning & reorganizing.

Today’s officially starts off my last two weeks of work!  My replacement started training last Monday and she’s picked everything up so fast, it’s been wonderful! I am pretty much going to spend most of this week at work doing a heck of a lot of NOTHING. I have my next OB/us appointment this Wednesday & then, I have one more appointment after that with my current OB as she’s also going on Maternity Leave as well. I really, really like her so it saddens me. I just hope I won’t get a different doctor at each appointment. I am sure I’ll have to describe my high risk situation at each appointment.

My Maternity leave will begin November 1st! We have our first of many Prenatal Classes starting. November 1st will be a private 4 hour class strictly on Prenatal topics. After which I have a Baby Care Class, Breast Feeding….spread out between November 1st & beginning of December. Then in February, each Friday is a Baby & Me class. I never made it to my Prenatal Class last time. I also never made it to my Baby Shower. My Baby Shower is in 5 weeks and I’ll be 34 weeks…the furthest I will have been pregnant, ever. These milestones make me nervous. It feels like if I think about it or talk about it too much, I’ll jinx myself and have this baby too early. I am hoping in the end, this will be just like a normal pregnancy, no more scares and worries, just smooth sailing.

Baby’s been super active the last few days. The big kicks have turned into a lot of rolling around & short frequent jabs. 29 weeks means he’s building up his fat reserves. I am expecting him to be over 3lbs by now. I have actually lost 5lbs over the course of 3 weeks but my belly keeps on growing. I also recently read that baby boys tend to be bigger babies than girls…gulp…here is wishing for a 7lb baby!

I will be updating likely after my next OB appointment this Wednesday…or I may wait until Friday when I’m 30 weeks. I’ve really fallen behind in the consistent Friday updates…doh!

photo 1-1