I missed blogging Thursday & Yesterday which were important days with important tests that would determine if I was staying in hospital or finally coming home. But I felt like if I said too much, I would jinx myself and not make it home. My luck hasn’t ever been stellar. Statistically, I always fall on the side of shit-end-of-the-stick. If it could end badly, it will. So, I kept mum. End result is, I’m home!
Thursday morning I had an ultrasound of the baby and the technician said everything looked great. As I’ve been told numerous times, he wasn’t going to measure my cervix. The one thing I’ve been most curious about! For me, it would be a peace of mind knowing that my cervix isn’t dilated and effacing but alas, they wouldn’t do it. Doctor on staff yesterday & my OB both said they weren’t going to check my cervix manually either. They didn’t see the need for it based on how well the baby was doing on monitor and given last week my cervix was both closed & 3cm long. My OB said while in most cases examining the cervix wouldn’t bring on labor she just said to err on the side of caution, she wouldn’t be checking it. Many people would see this as a positive thing but, with out seeing the proof it leaves me feeling unsettled. Perhaps if I didn’t go into labor with my daughter at 32 weeks I would be less anxious and I would have more trust in my health care team. But because I had a baby prematurely and she didn’t survive, I questions everyone and everything thing they say.
Thursday was fairly uneventful. I was achy all day but my new physical ‘norm’ is to be achy. My left side up is achy for periods of the day that last a long time. I have very mild cramps that go away with movement that is under my belly area which doctors tell me it sounds like ligaments. As is the ache that goes up my entire left side of my belly starting at my pelvis. So of course, these sensations some times play with my mind into thinking I have uterine cramps. But most of the day was going very well and I was feeling extremely hopeful that I would be going home Friday. Around 3pm that day I had horrible stomach ache that started from the top and just radiated all over my belly. And I thought ‘shit, this is it….’. After laying down for half hour or so, it completely disappeared. Seemed to me in the end that it was likely food that unsettled my stomach. None the less, it had me quite concerned all night.
Friday was a better day. I was feeling pretty good and hoping I’d get the green light to go home. My team of doctors and my OB came by in the morning and they all agreed that given everything and how I’ve been doing over the course of my 10 day stay, they felt I could go home.
It’s what I’ve wanted the whole time I was there. At the same time, I was nervous as all hell. I can say that while I feel better being in my home environment, I am still paranoid as all heck. I analyze every BH contraction I have, every ache I feel, check my underwear and toilet paper every time I use the bathroom. I’m just on the edge of my seat wondering if I’ll make it to the next day. I think it’s going to be a really long period of waiting. I’ll have a lot of time on my hands on bed rest to think too much.
I feel like some amount of time has to pass from the hospital visit and I have to pass the 32 week mark and I will hopefully feel a little less worried, a little less paranoid every day. This Friday coming up will mark 32 weeks. I desperately hope I’ll make it there. While I want to make it past 32 weeks, I really want to make it to term. I want this pregnancy to be different. I want to bring my baby home with me after 24 hours stay in hospital. I never want to get acquainted with the NICU at Sunnybrook. I just want things to go as they’re supposed to!
I’m always scared and I keep talking about my fears. Perhaps I need to? I find it cathartic to be able to write exactly how I feel and think on here. I hope I don’t tire all of my readers out but right now, this is what’s going on in my life and so that’s what I have to talk about.
I want to thank every one of you who’ve sent me encouraging words and have kept me in their thoughts. It really means the world to have supportive people in my life. xo