And I have a new OB…..

Since the day I met my OB, Dr. N – I wasn’t impressed. I felt conversations were a bit awkward & there were some misunderstandings. But I chalked it up to my own nervousness. I was there for him for a very important reason….Selective Reduction. I figured it would be no big deal to keep on as his patient and so I asked him if he would take me on. And he did. The second appointment was that of the procedure & he was kind, patient and sensitive, given what I was going through. But there was still an uneasiness. Yesterday was my follow up & another ultrasound and he was way off his game. And the awkwardness & misunderstanding was still there. In fact, he had very little to say, was forgetful and I just had enough. He can’t tell me why I’m feeling pain on/off under my uterus and didn’t even offer any possible reasons. Just looked at me like he didn’t know what to say. When I asked him if it could be growing pains he agreed with me. I mean really, who’s the doctor here?!

Anyway, I decided to ask to switch to the lovely Dr. H who I saw twice in Dr. N’s absence & she’s WONDERFUL. I really, really liked her. So I asked if I could switch and my wish was granted. Unfortunately (for me) she is pregnant & will be off work some time in November which means I’ll have to see Dr. N again – at the end of my pregnancy & possibly for delivery. *sigh*…..but it could be worse. I’m excited to start with Dr. H and can’t wait to see her next time on Wednesday, August 13th. I have my Anatomy Scan that morning at 8am & then I see Dr. H at 9:15am! I look forward to this greeting again. She’s very warm, nice, cheery and willing to give lots & lots of information.

I won’t have too much going on for the next few weeks. I am going to Northern Ontario for two weeks starting this Sunday. But I do have my usual weekly gestational updates that I’ll be posting. Maybe not timely, but weekly.

Until Friday! XO

Week 16! Bump Pic

This week has been relatively uneventful except for my previous update on my SR follow up appointment. I will see my OB one more time on Monday & then my family & I will be traveling up to Northern Ontario On July 27th for 2 weeks! I plan to keep my blog up dated at least weekly.

17 weeks will mark the end of Month 4! And then I’ll be going into my 5th month…I can’t believe it! I have near 3 months left of work until my early leave & I am looking forward for some time off to myself!

This week, my baby is the size of an Avocado!Avocado

New developments for baby this week are:

Facial Muscles allow baby to make faces
He/She can hear my voice!
He/She is breathing on its own
His/Her eyes are starting to work and can see light

Me:

I have been feeling what is similar to when milk lets down in my breast. Some burning sensations. After some reading this is the week that breast start to enlarge and milk ducts are starting to develop.                                                                                                                                                       Nausea continues to dissipate to almost non-existent ( yay!) although I will stay on Diclectin until my nausea is gone for at least 2 week strait. And then I will consider weaning off them.

Bloating/constipation is ever present and have started eating prunes.

Energy levels are rising and am no longer falling asleep at 8:30pm!

Frequent urination at night is starting to become a thing of the past. I do however get sensations of sharp pain in my bladder if my bladder is very full. I did have my OB take a urine sample yesterday to make sure it’s not bacteria…waiting on the phone call for those results. Fingers crossed it’s not an infection!

 I get to start Prometrium again today…again…Two suppositories per day. I am going to take it until around 36 weeks. Some studies have shown it can help prevent going into early labor. Just adding another “just incase” preventative.

Until next time…xo

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15 Weeks, 4 Day Update (warning, ultrasound image)

Hey Ladies,

I am happy to say that everything checked out great today! Baby’s doing well, my cervical length is great. I basically had to FORCE the tech to give me damn photo of the baby. She didn’t find it perfect enough & ended up not charging me money for it. I had her the last visit & refused to give me ANY kind of photo. I don’t know what her issue is but if I am willing to pay for it, just give me a damn photo! HAH! Anyway, you’ll see, it’s not a bad image at all. It’s an interesting perspective of baby & how comfy that position must be!…not!

I am and will continue to be on pelvic rest for the rest of my pregnancy. That means NO sex (poor hubby) and no lifting anything more than 15lbs. Thankfully however, I get to start exercising again!

And here is Baby H…in the making.

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Selective Reduction, Final Follow up

Today is my final follow up, two weeks post procedure. Every ultrasound since day one has had my heart in my throat, waiting for the dreaded words that there is no heart beat. And each time, there there it was – happy, healthy, heart beat & all. But every ultrasound brings on the same fears even though the outcome has all been the same. This final ultrasound has me quite anxious. On one hand, I’m past the two week mark & I haven’t miscarried so I should be entering the “safe zone” however, so many women miscarry and don’t know it until an ultrasound and they see they baby stopped growing weeks ago! I’m having a hard time thinking positive, I’m aware of this. I am also trying to work on positive thinking but at moments like this, it’s hard. At times I really wish I would just buy a Doppler so I can check any time, but then I wonder if that will just make me a crazy woman? Or would it easy my mind and help me connect?

I’ve had a few women who bashed my decision to SR & asked me the question, how could I reduce one of my babies when I’ve gone through the loss of a child already. This has been some thing that’s been lingering on my mind a lot before and after the reduction. Not in the way I think these women had hoped. I didn’t question my ethics or choices for a moment. I knew that I was doing the right thing in the end. I walked into my situation knowing I could end up with two, and knowing that it could be one of my final opportunities to get pregnant and I wanted to increase my odds. Especially given that my odds were working against me for 2.5 years, everyone including my doctor agreed, this approach made sense. I took a lot of time to reconcile with myself if I transferred two embryo & they both took, how would I feel about SR? At first I was like a lot of women & thought “nope, I could never go through with this”. But as time went on & our struggles to achieve pregnancy got harder, our goal was simply to get pregnant. And if that meant increasing my odds & having to go through a reduction, that was the price my husband & I were willing to pay. I never looked at it as killing a baby and how could I possibly do this because I’ve already lost one? It was a decision of bringing home 1 healthy baby, or giving birth preterm to 2, not sure if both will live or what kind of life those two babies would have being born too soon. And that was a risk my husband & I were not willing to take. Not the risk of getting pregnant with twins & reducing, The risk we weren’t willing to take was giving birth to two babies, to fall in love with our babies and the risk of having one or both taken away.

We all make decisions that we are either willing or not willing to live with. We made a decision we’re willing to live with. And each of us have a right in this world, and it’s to make our own decisions, not based on what everyone else thinks or believes. It’s about what you believe in, what you are comfortable living with and in the end, not regretting the decisions you’ve made. I don’t regret the decision I’ve made. That is NOT to say that I am heartless or didn’t care. I cared. And it was the toughest decision I’ve ever made & one of the most difficult of moments.

I will update you lovely ladies later on today with today’s appointment. And I’m hoping to get an u/s image this time. I’m going to tell the tech I don’t care if I don’t have a “profile” I just want a photo – with some baby part in it…haha!

xo

The Infertility Blog Debate: Weigh In!

I’ve been debating whether or not to create a new blog for my pregnancy/baby, separate from my Infertility Blog. I always envisioned I would have a full detailed progress report all on one site. In part to encourage women who are going through IF that miracles do happen. I remember thumbing through blogs when I was going through my TTC phase & I always loved to see that the outcome in the end, was a baby! I was never distraught by it. But I understand we’re not all made alike. A lot of people have taken to it very well & some have not. I try to be as sensitive as possible & not go over board but I don’t want to censor myself either.
Anyway, I ask for your vote. Based on how the vote goes, I’ll make my decision.

Thanks ladies & thank you to all of you who continue to support me!

xo

Thoughts on Pregnancy after Loss

I wanted my blog to not just be about my pregnancy progress, once I achieved pregnancy, but also a place for thoughts & feelings that go along with a woman who’s gone through a loss. I haven’t done a great job although, I’ve made a few mentions.

Firstly I think a part of it is that I’m really trying hard to push the negative thoughts out & keep the positive going. But truth be told, I spend a good portion of my thoughts in fear. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop or for some thing to go wrong because I screwed up. I have to admit, I’ve been feeling better & I’ve been less negative as the weeks have gone on which is great, but I’m still wondering if everything I’m doing is the right thing? Will I make one wrong decision that I will regret because that’s the one thing I could have done to save my baby’s life? I realize this comes from the fears & regrets & all my second guesses at how I handled my first pregnancy when I started to exhibit strange symptoms I chose to self-diagnose & ignore. And then of course spending about a year analyzing everything I did up to that point & where I went wrong. But I’m trying hard to fill those thoughts with good thoughts. But man, is that hard. I have a few friends who have been telling me that even though all these bad things have happened, I need to leave it behind and think positive. But how can I leave behind some thing that was so traumatic in my life? I just can’t. The best that I can do is, while I carry my fears with me to plan for the future & picture my baby in my arms. Picture the day we bring her/him home, all the memories that will be created. And try very hard not to live every day in fear. But it will still be there.

I imagine when I bring my baby home, how amazing that day will be. But as soon as I think about it, I’m fraught with fears that my baby might die. And how can I help prevent another death? But I can’t. I can’t control what may or may not happen so I quickly push it out of my mind and tell myself I’ll deal with it when the time comes. That my baby WONT die and I WILL raise this child.

Some days I think I’m happy & excited about my pregnancy but I’ve hardly felt that. I don’t believe I’ve actually gotten excited about it yet. I still have moments where I feel like I’m talking about someone else life, not my own. This week, we started to share the news with all of our coworkers & friends & now that it’s become more ‘real’ it’s feeling more real. But what comes with that is fear. Fear that if some thing goes wrong, I have an even bigger audience to see my world crumble, once again.

I want to keep everyone posted on what it’s like to be on the other side & not just ‘look at my growing belly’ although that’s pretty neat too. But I had wished I could follow the footsteps of someone expecting after a loss & had someone to connect to with my feelings & be able to say “Yeah, I totally get her….I’m not the only one”….because so many people think that being pregnant ‘fixes’ the issue. It only brings on new fears.

Until next time! Thanks for reading everyone! XO

15 Weeks

This week has been a bit more interesting. For starters, I had my followup appointment on Wednesday & everything’s looking great. I didn’t get a photo of the LO because he/she was facing down but it was still fascinating to see. I saw my OB’s fill in (he’s on vacation) and she was really nice. This was my first ‘real’ OB visit with the whole pee on protein/sugar stick (first stick I peed on that didn’t have 1 or 2 pink lines…hah!), weigh in, blood pressure. I have a follow up appointment on this coming Wednesday, July 16th. If everything looks good at that appointment, I’m out of the danger zone! I can’t wait for that. And I plan on drinking some juice before my appointment in hopes the baby will be more active & I can get a nice, clear photo.

The same day I had my ultrasound, I felt two distinct jabs in my uterus. It may have been an elbow, or kick, but it happened. Those were the first movements that I could definitely say “yes, that was the baby…..no it wasn’t gas” :) Since then, I’ve not felt anything but I hope shortly I will.

This week, I’ve noticed a growth spurt in my uterus. I’d say in the last two weeks it’s done most of its growth that I could tell. This week however, it’s become less bloat & more baby belly. I can feel it a lot more & my pants are starting to feel tight.

I went to see my GP today for a PAP & we discussed me going on Mat Leave early & she agreed with my approach so, I will be working until October 31st! This means I have around 2 months to myself. But I plan to use is wisely! Other than taking it easy & enjoying the peace & quiet & the ability to nap when ever I please, I do plan on batch cooking meals to store in the freezer, getting the house ready & deep cleaned, and starting some sewing projects. I’ve ordered some really cool fabric & I plan to make some baby pants, shoes & bandana bibs. The ones I love on etsy are too expensive for what they are. But the fabrics & patters are what I love. Given I have a machine & the creative ability, I figured I could give it a shot. And I’ll have the time. I also plan on drawing a horse for my SD….she is crazy for horses. And for her Birthday which is in December, I plan to draw her a sketch of a horse using Silver Point. I’ll be sure to post an update when that’s completed.

We are going camping this weekend. Saturday through to Monday & hoping for good weather. I love camping & this will be the last trip for two, for a long while!

Happy Weekend, everyone!

XO

15

14 Weeks

I can’t say there is much to update this week since my last post. My nausea is present today. I think I need to stop mentioning when it’s getting better. I always end up nauseated as soon as I think I’m in the clear. My stomach is still mostly bloat & excess belly weight (hehe) but there are periods when I feel my uterus also poking through. I look pregnant now 24/7 no matter what. I’ve got a perma-bloat.

We shared our news with my SD and I surprised her by swapping a fortune cookie note with what said : “You are going to be a big sister! January 2015″ she didn’t get it at first. Was very confused. Then she finally clued in & was grinning ear to ear! Followed by an air fist pump and a “Yes!”.

We phoned the parents and siblings after and followed by an email to extended families. I posted the photo of SD holding her fortune on Instagram to announce to a few friends. This coming week, coworkers and everyone else. It makes it more real and I’m happy to be able to talk freely about it. And if I may cautiously say, a bit excited.

I will be long awaiting my follow up OB and u/s this coming week. I have yet to get a call with an appointment.

Until then, here is a photo of me belly. 14 weeks & growing!

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13 Weeks, 4 Days

I am officially in my Second Trimester! WHOOO! I can’t believe I am typing this! It’s crazy.

I thought I was getting to a point of feeling better but every time I say that, the nausea makes its nasty way back. I had it real bad last night, this morning & most of today. And this heat we’re having, is not helping it either! I am waiting for that magic moment where my nausea is just gone!

It is the eve of my procedure and I’m feeling nervous about it. I really just wish I could be knocked out & wake up back home and not have known it all happened. But alas, life isn’t this simple. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it’s still a difficult thing to do. I have tomorrow & Friday off work and I’m not sure how much activity I’ll be having considering I can’t even come to work & sit in my chair for most of the day.
I was planning on bringing some meditative music to listen to through out the procedure to hope that it will further separate myself from the situation. I would hope they will allow this, if I remember to do it!

I’ll be sure to give an update either tomorrow or Friday. Please send me positive thoughts!

xo

Graduation Day!

This totally caught me off guard yesterday. I went in for my NT scan with my RE & afterward he told me it would be our final visit……..WHAT?! I thought I had until week 14!! I wasn’t ready!
I have to let go of the immediate walk-in care/appointments. And emailing my nurses for a prescription refill. I have to now step in cue with everyone else in the medical system & spend a lot of time waiting in the waiting area, lot of time waiting for the next appointment.

It felt bitter sweet. In one way, I’m pregnant. I did it! I’m past the Fertility Clinic. On another hand, how strange is this? 2.5 years of going to the Fertility Clinic & now, it’s over? Just like that? NO notice? Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to never look back & shut that door behind me for such a long time, but it’s just become part of my life. So now I have to morph into my new life with my new OB. I’ll miss my RE. He’s been amazing. We’ve been through SO much! He told me to come back with baby so he can meet him/her & then we can discuss what to do with our remaining two frozen embryo. He also sent me away with Cord Blood information that I’ll have to start considering & discussing with my husband.

My NT results are normal, again. Nothing to worry about. And so now I wait for next week’s procedure. Get over that hump, a few weeks past & then we can share the news with the whole world….? *GULP*. Some moments I want to tell the whole world and most, I don’t want to tell a soul. ?It will be really difficult for me. That everyone knows & can watch under a microscope. And what if some thing goes wrong again? It makes me so very nervous.

This week, I can’t say I’ve been feeling any better. My nausea at times have been really bad, and other’s just barely tolerable. It happens mostly in the late afternoon through the night. I am hoping once I hit the second trimester, it will stop entirely. Other wise, I’m still peeing tones….bloated like crazy. I can’t wait for this bloat bump to become a real one! I can feel my uterus poking through over the last few days & I think it’ll be a matter of weeks before I’ll have a real bump!

I plan on sharing my ultrasound images at some point in the next few weeks. I haven’t posted any.
I will however post warnings that the images are in the post. I understand and want to be sensitive to everyone still struggling. But I also want to share in my good news & keep blogging on my progress.

XO